Raven's Story: The NICU

I have thought about writing these updates everyday since Raven arrived.  I just haven't felt strong enough to do it - physically or emotionally.  I'm not sure I can capture with words the impact of this week.  We aren't through it yet, but coming home is starting to feel closer.  (Written Day 4)

Day 1 (Tuesday)
Evening Update:  We wait a couple hours for her to get settled and then I call the NICU for an update.  She is on a cannula that has some oxygen and helps force air into her lungs.  She is also on IV fluids and antibiotics.
Tyler:  So upset he can hardly speak.  Updates family and close friends via emails and texts.  Arranges for Ryder to spend the night at friends and for (my) mom to fly in first thing in the morning.
Hannah:  So many tears.  I can't believe that I didn't tell her that I loved her before they wheeled her away.  I told her that it would be okay, but I wish I had said more.  It's a little thing but all I can think about.  The maternity ward is a terrible place to be without my baby.

Day 2 (Wednesday)
Morning Update:  Tyler calls the NICU first thing in the morning.  She is doing fine, no major changes during the night.  The nurse explains the antibiotics are a precaution while they run tests to make sure there is no infection.  She says the Dr will be by a little later to assess her.  They will contact us if there are any major changes, but to pretty much assume that things are okay if we hear nothing.  Tyler decides not to go over there since he is still getting over his cold.  For some reason this makes me sad/angry - I want him to be there because I can't be.
Tyler:  Launches himself into taking care of business with a vengeance.  Spends the morning on the phone with insurance, the hospital business office and work.  Leaves in the early afternoon to go to insurance office, then home to shower and pick up Ryder and mom for a hospital visit.
Hannah:  Starts the recovery process.  Finally allowed up out of bed and taken off the IV.  Feeling amazingly good physically.  Emotionally up and down, but just focusing on doing what it takes to be discharged the next morning.  Have the first post-op shower (showers are so under-rated!).  It's a strange day - I miss my baby, but feel strangely disconnected from her being alone in the hospital.  Ryder doesn't understand it either when he comes for a visit.  Until a baby is produced, all he understands is that mommy is staying in the hospital while he plays with Bunny (my mom).  He comes in his Iron Man suit because "that will make mommy feel better."  Dr comes in late afternoon.  Seems surprised at how well I am doing.  Says he will discharge me in the morning if the night goes well.
Afternoon Update:  I call the NICU.  Tyler says he feels too wrung out to make the call, something I can relate to.  I start to speak to the nurse, but the Dr is there and talks to me.  Raven is doing well.  Still stable overall.  No apnea.  Her oxygen as been dropped a bit.  Will start feeding through a tube into her stomach.  If she does well with that then onto bottles.   I thank the Dr. and tearfully tell her that we can't see her because I am in the hospital and Tyler is getting over his cold.  She asks for my number and texts me some pictures.  Greatest kindness I could have at that moment.
Evening Update:  Another picture from the Dr.  She seems to be resting comfortably.  Her color is better and she looks less distressed every time I see her.  Sweet friend brings dinner to Tyler and I in the hospital.  She lets us talk her ear off and provides much needed distraction and reassurance.

Day 3 (Thursday)
Morning Update:  Raven is doing well.  Her oxygen is slowly being dropped and she is tolerating the food she has been given.  It is looking more likely that there is no infection, and antibiotics will be stopped later if nothing comes back on the cultures.
Tyler:  A little worried about my determination to leave, but realizes that this "mother lion" (his words) won't be stopped until I can see my baby.  Wonderfully patient and helpful while I'm getting discharged.  Got us packed and over to Huntington and navigated all the unknowns amidst my almost-panic.  Continues to work on taking care of all the admissions and insurance questions.
Hannah:  Dr. comes in to finalize my discharge around 8:30am.  Gives me warning to take it easy.  I hardly hear any of it.  I shower and pack up.  Get my IV removed and load up on painkillers.  Finally on our way around 11:30.  So anxious to get to the NICU.  Snap at poor Tyler for not knowing where he was going and parking in the wrong place.  Can hardly walk but determined to get through the door and down to the NICU.
Afternoon at NICU:  Arrive right as the nurse is finishing her first bottle.  Some sadness that I missed her first feeding by mere minutes.  AFTER 48 LONG HOURS, FINALLY GET TO HOLD MY BABY.  Feel peaceful and calm for the first time in two days.  Hold her for a couple of hours before I need to go home to rest.  Want to just stay.  Meet the kind Dr who took pictures and meet the social worker.  Tyler is a little overwhelmed with all the other babies around us.  I hardly even see them.  I only have eyes for her.

Evening Update:  I desperately want to go back to the hospital but just don't have the physical strength. It's so hard to be away from her.  I feel like I can hardly breathe.  I stand in the shower and sob.  Ask Tyler to call the NICU.  She is resting comfortably and feeding well.  Her oxygen has been dropped again to a slow-flow cannula.

Day 4 (Friday)
Morning Update:  More improvements overnight.  They are feeding her more with a bottle and less with the gavage (feeding tube down her nose or mouth).  Her IV has also been unhooked although the tube is still in - no more antibiotics or IV nutrition as long as she keeps eating.  We get ready to head back over the hospital.
Tyler:  Still the rock that is keeping us all together.  He drops me off at the front door and figures out how to get a 7-day parking pass.  He decides he feels well enough from his cold to hold Raven for a while.
Hannah: The only time I really feel calm is when I am with Raven.  I get to feed her a bottle for the first time.  The nurse (Bridgette) is great.  She talks to me about how well she is doing.  She helps me set up to pump next to her; it feels like something I can do when everything else feels so out of my control.

Afternoon Update:  Raven has been moved to a new part of the NICU- from Room A to D.  We hear that D is for less intense cases.  I don't know if that is true, but we hold on to the idea.  Both Tyler and I walk past Raven at first, she looks a lot darker, enough so that she isn't instantly recognizable (we learn later this is jaundice).  I have a twinge of guilt for not even knowing my own baby at first glance.  The tech comes in to drop her oxygen again, we are now down to room saturation and just .5L of flow. Her Dr. comes to speak with us mid-afternoon.  Her bilirubin is high and she needs to go under lights.  Even though I know this is a common issue and the lights aren't a big deal I dissolve into tears.  Another day or two of not being able to hold her, after only being able to hold her for a few short hours the day before and today feels like too much.  I keep her in my arms while they set things up.  The nurse consoles me even as she puts on Raven's "sunglasses" and closes the isolette.  She needs part of her feed through the gavage because she is just too tired to eat - not uncommon with jaundice.
Afternoon:   We leave soon after they put her under the lights.  She is peaceful and sleeping.  My heart still hurts.  We go over to rent a hospital-grade pump.  We stop for lunch.  Tyler suggests we go back, just to be with her even if we can't hold her.  I agree and we go back for the last hour before the ward is closed for shift change at 6:30pm.  Being near her helps me, even if I can't hold her.
Evening:  I call to see how she is doing.  The nurse says she is resting well.

Day 5 (Saturday)
Morning Update:  We slowly get ready to head back to the hospital, expecting to spend the day near her but not really get to hold her.  I call the nurse to ask if there is the chance of feeding her at any point.  The nurse tells me that if I can arrive a half hour before she eats she will pull her out for a little while for me.
Tyler:  Wearing a little thin.  Ryder is whiney.  I'm sure it's hard for him to understand why mommy and daddy keep leaving all day.  He also only wants to be with Tyler, but keeps melting down on him at every turn.  Tyler could use some time alone, but that's really hard with the circumstances.
Hannah:  Feeling helpless.  Want to be more involved with Ryder, but I'm not a good playmate right now.  Still aching for my girl, but much calmer than before.  Ready to run out the door when the nurse says I can hold her, even if it is just for a few minutes.

Afternoon at NICU:  A sweet surprise!  Raven is out from under the lights when we arrive.  Her levels have already gone down enough to be within normal range.  Her gavage is also gone and the IV no longer in her leg.  She looks so much better and is sleeping so much more comfortably.  We spend the afternoon holding her.  I still pump to feed her since they still want to monitor how much she is taking in.  Tried some skin to skin.  Raven is so warm and cozy.  We cuddle for maybe an hour.  After I dress her she finally wakes up!  Before now we haven't even seen her eyes for more than a peek.  She gives us a great gift by looking around and gazing at us for a good while before deciding to go back to sleep.  Tyler and I are both more peaceful.  It feels like she has turned a corner.  As we leave the nurse (still Bridgette) wishes me well because she is confident we will be out of the NICU before her next shift on Tuesday.

Afternoon:  We arrive home to more whining from Ryder.  Tyler has finally had enough and leaves to calm down and regroup.  When he arrives back home he dresses to go to a church meeting.  I suggest he go spend some alone time with the baby afterwards.
Evening:  Tyler goes to the NICU and spends some time holding our little girl.  I miss her, but feel calm and happy that Tyler gets some bonding time.  He needs it too.  Tyler comes home to reports that she is still doing as well as the afternoon and that he got to feed and care for her.

Day 6 (Sunday)
Morning Update:  We don't call, we just get ready to head over to the hospital.
Tyler:  Is acting calmer and reports that he feels good.  Continues to be amazingly patient with Ryder and with me as we prep for the day.

Hannah:  Feeling hopeful.  Really want her oxygen turned off today.  Praying she can go home by tomorrow.  Days are all blurring together.  I know we have only done this for a week, but already it feels like my life revolves around trips to the NICU.  Have to remind myself (and Tyler) to take time outs to eat, drink, and walk around a bit.  Grateful my recovery is still good, but also grateful for Motrin and Vicadin to keep me going.
Afternoon in NICU: More holding the baby.  More pumping.  Dr doesn't show up until late in the day - I think it is around 5.  Great news!  Raven is doing so well they are taking her out of the isolette and off the last of the oxygen.  If she maintains her temperature and oxygen they will start the discharge process the next day.  We are also instructed to bring her carseat in.  Assuming all goes well tonight her final test in the morning will be to sit in the carseat for an hour and a half without any breathing issues or desats.  If she passes she will come home!

Evening:  It feels like Christmas Eve.  I am finally going to be bringing my baby girl home.  Fleeting thought that this will be my last full night's sleep for a long time.  Never will I be so grateful to be sleep deprived!

Day 7 (Monday)
Morning:  Busy day with lots of appointments.  We go to Huntington first to drop off the carseat.  Tyler wants the test done when we are not around so we don't have to listen to her wail if she gets upset while stuck in the carseat.
Tyler:  Chauffer extraordinaire.  Taxi's us all to various appts all day.  Doing well, although says he is a bit nervous about bringing home the baby after all this.
Hannah:  I have to visit the OB to get my staples removed.  Dr. again expresses some surprise at how quickly I "bounced back" (his words) from the c-section.  I tell him I had a lot of motivation: I had to get out to see my baby!  He asks about Raven and comments offhand that Huntington is great but once they have babies they don't like to let them go.  (In my head I totally agree!)  He, almost offhandedly, tells me not to overdo it - lift nothing heavier than the baby, careful with bending, twisting, don't drive for another week, etc.  All of it a little ironic considering the week I've had.  I'm in good spirits, but impatient to get through the business of it all.  I just want to go collect my baby!
Ryder:  Ryder has his 3-yr check which I had scheduled pre-Raven's arrival.  I considered canceling but decided it would be good to keep so he could get his flu shot and we could make sure he was as healthy as could be (he has had a cough) before we bring home baby.  He is a trooper, doesn't even cry when given his shot.  Dr. asks about his baby sister.  Poor Ryder is still so confused about where the baby is - mostly he answers that the baby is in mommy's tummy.  Pediatrician also comments that Huntington likes to keep babies a long time.

Afternoon at NICU:  After getting lunch we drop off Ryder and Bunny at home.  I call the NICU to find out if the car seat test has been done.  The nurse sounds a bit surprised that we haven't come in and I explain to her that we were waiting until after the test.  She passed!  The nurse says she is scheduled to eat soon, so we hurry to the hospital.

It is so nice to finally see my baby girl without the cannula attached to her.  She is so beautiful!  The nurse helps me breastfeed her for the first time.  We spend a couple hours waiting; feeding and holding her.  The doctor finally comes in, reports that she is doing well, and "if we are comfortable" we can take her home.  Are you kidding me??!!  There is no way I am going to be apart from her for one minute longer than I have to be.  We wait for a while longer for the discharge paperwork from the doctor and for the nurse to go through discharge planning with us.  Finally, we are through all the steps.  We change her into her going home outfit; the one I've had with me since the morning I went into labor.  We take some pictures with the nurse on duty - as Tyler said: the one to send her home.  We put her in her carseat and then I sit in a wheelchair with her on my lap to be taken to the front doors.  Tyler walks ahead to bring the car around.  I make small talk with the NICU receptionist who wheeled me out.  I enjoy the smiles we get from passersby.  My baby is out and coming home with me!

Evening:  It is after 6pm when we are finally discharged.  While Tyler gets the baby situated I duck into the gift shop to pick up a gift for Ryder from his little sister.  I pick up a stuffed lion, hoping that he will like it.  The volunteer working is kind enough to wrap it in some tissue paper before placing it in the bag so it looked like a proper present.  I'm impatient, even though she is doing me a favor.  I don't want the baby to get upset with having to wait or stress Tyler out.

Finally we are on our way!  Tyler remarks that this is the second time he has made the long trip of driving home with a new baby in the back.  I feel almost in shock.  Finally, our family will be all together.  We arrive.  Ryder greets us and meets his baby sister for the first time.  He is excited that she brought him a present.  He agrees when I ask him if he wants to hold the baby.  He says "awww, cute."  My blond boy and my raven-haired girl are finally together.  The long week is over and our daughter is HOME.